Fighting From the Inside Out

What if the conflicts we’re quick to blame on others are actually revealing something God wants to heal within us?

Conflict is deeply human. Whether it shows up as tension in a marriage, frustration at work, disagreement in the church, or an internal tug-of-war between what we know is right and what we want in the moment, quarrels are part of everyday life. But James doesn’t let us stay on the surface. Instead, he asks a question that gets uncomfortably personal: Where do these fights really come from?

The Root of Our Conflicts
James answers his own question plainly. Fights and quarrels don’t start with circumstances or other people’s behavior. They begin within us.
When we slow down and look honestly at most conflicts, we begin to see that the argument itself is rarely the real issue. Beneath the surface, something deeper is often at play. Many of our quarrels are less about possessions or preferences and more about power and control. We want to be right. We want to win. We want things done our way. And when that doesn’t happen, tension follows.

James names this internal struggle for what it is. Desires within us are at war. We grasp, compare, envy, and resist losing control. Even when we sense we may be wrong, pride keeps us pressing forward. At the core of many conflicts isn’t just desire, but resistance to letting go. Control often feels safer than surrender, even when it costs us peace.

The Honest Work of Self-Examination
When conflict arises, our instinct is to look outward. If only they would change. If only they would understand. If only they would do things differently. But James invites us to pause and turn inward instead.

I have noticed in my own life that the moments I feel most justified in a conflict are often the moments I have spent the least time examining my own heart. It is easier to explain why I am right than to sit quietly and ask God what might be happening beneath the surface.

This doesn’t mean others are never at fault. Many conflicts are complex, and responsibility is rarely one-sided. Still, Scripture presses us to examine our own hearts first. When quarrels become frequent, patterns begin to form, or tension feels constant, it is worth asking hard but necessary questions.
This kind of self-examination requires humility. It asks us to admit that we may be contributing to the very tension we’re trying to escape. That can be uncomfortable, but it is also where growth begins.

Left unchecked, these inner battles do not stay hidden. They spill into marriages, friendships, workplaces, and churches. Small disagreements harden into patterns. Words grow sharper. Trust erodes slowly, often unnoticed, until peace feels distant. James is not exaggerating.
The Connection Between Conflict and Prayer
James moves seamlessly from conflict to prayer, and the connection is revealing. Instead of scheming, manipulating, or fighting to get what we want, he asks why we do not simply bring our desires to God. Sometimes we fail to ask because we have grown self-reliant, convinced we can manage outcomes on our own.

There have been times when I have realized I was not praying about a situation because I already knew the answer I wanted. Prayer felt risky, not because God might say no, but because He might change what I was asking for in the first place. Other times, we hesitate because we know our motives are not right.

And when we do pray, James says we often ask with the wrong motives. We want God to endorse our plans, reinforce our preferences, or give us what will serve our own comfort and control.
Reordering Our Priorities in Prayer
Jesus offers a different way through the model of the Lord’s Prayer. The order matters. Prayer begins not with our needs, but with God.

First, “Hallowed be your name.” Before requests are made, God’s holiness and character are acknowledged. This reorients our hearts. When God’s name and reputation matter most, our need to be recognized, validated, or in control begins to loosen.

Next, “Your kingdom come, your will be done.” These words invite surrender. They remind us that God’s purposes are bigger than our preferences and that His will may not always align with our comfort. Praying this honestly reshapes what we desire.

Only then do we ask, “Give us today our daily bread.” Our needs matter to God, but they come into focus after our priorities are realigned.
A Different Way Forward
James paints a hopeful picture. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. That kind of life begins on the inside. It grows as we become willing to examine our motives, release control, and allow God to reshape our desires.

When conflict arises, we are invited to pause before reacting. To ask whether we are fighting for something that truly matters to God or simply clinging to our own way. To bring our desires honestly before Him, trusting that He knows what we need even better than we do.

The battles within us are real, but they do not have to define us. James calls us to stop fighting from the outside in and to let God do His deeper work within. As we examine our hearts, reorder our prayers, and loosen our grip on control, we begin to experience a different way of living. One marked not by constant conflict, but by growing peace. Transformation begins on the inside, and that is where lasting change is found.

A Closing Prayer
God, search our hearts.
When conflict rises, help us pause before we react. Reveal the places where our desire for control, comfort, or being right has taken root. Teach us to examine our motives honestly and to surrender what does not honor You.

May Your name be holy in our lives. May Your kingdom come, and Your will be done, even when it challenges our preferences. Shape our prayers, our relationships, and our responses so they reflect Your grace and peace.

Do Your quiet, faithful work within us. Transform us from the inside out, and make us people who sow peace and reap righteousness.
Amen.